It’s crazy to think that I’ve already been here for five, going on six weeks. It’s even crazier to experience and see the growth not only in me but my brothers and sisters around me. I’m so glad I get to call these people friends and family. I’ve learned just as much from them as I have from the various speakers in lectures.
So many exciting things are happening, not only for me but for the entire Townsville Campus! YWAM Townsville does a ton with PNG, and just since I have been here, there has been a new partnership with PNG and Townsville; a direct flight from PNG to and from Townsville! That’s huge for Townsville considering they have such a small airport and don’t do international flights! Along with that, a new medical ship may be on its way! Medical Ships Australia has a few ships there already now (a new one just joined already), and now another new ship is being considered! Thirdly, Norway wants to get envolved with the Medical Ship Ministries! To say the least, a ton of amazing stuff is happening here, I’m stoked for it all!
Anywho, back to week six. This weeks theme is Relationships. And to say the least, I was already overwhelmed and frustrated– I really wasn’t looking forward to another “heart and spirit” week like Identity week. Let me just set the overall picture for you…
The first two weeks were gamechanging for me. I had awesome revelations, God spoke to me in such big ways that I’ve never experienced, it was just amazing. Then along came Character and Nature of God Week.
Pretty much the only take aways I got were this; “Gods character will never contradict his nature and his nature will never contradict his character” and “Eternal VS Sequential God is all frustrating and people are really opinionated about this and I hate it but I need to be willing to hear both sides“. Let me explain that last one…
This was something I struggled with a ton. It all really comes down to what you think and believe, the only one that really knows is God. Personally, I don’t like the idea of God kinda just going with the flow and waiting for us to follow through on our end, I like to think that God knows exactly WHERE we are going, just the journey may be a bit different; either way, that’s not the point of this blog, but if you want to talk about it just shoot me a message!
All of that being said, that week of lectures really sort of left me in a funk. Then week 5 was bible study, which was great. We learned different methods of bible study and I discovered that meditation/devotional is definitely me way of choice. But throughout that week, I still wasn’t clearly hearing God.
Well I wasn’t hearing the answers that I was wanting to hear. I was asking for very specific answers and revelations, that’s what my prayers consisted of. Asking for clarity on this and that. Each time I heard the same thing; “Just rest and now that I am a present father.”
That wasn’t the answer I wanted.
But then on Friday, I suddenly felt like God was more silent than he had been. Over the two weeks while I was getting frustrated, I got small things here and there, but on Friday, there was nothing. On Saturday, there was nothing. On Sunday– nothing. So then Monday came along, and Relationship week started. Nothing really resonated with me in the lecture, but Monday night I was fed up with God. So I went to the prayer room after meeting with my Outreach team. And to be quite honest, I threw a spiritual tantrum.
I basically lectured God as if it would make a difference, as if it would convince him to tell me anything. And again, I got a answer along the same lines of just resting.
“Stop and rest with me. Lean into my word and trust that I am listening.”
Once again, I wasn’t happy with what he said. So I got angry at him again. At that moment I said that I wasn’t moving from that chair until he spoke to me in a way that was loud and clear. So I tried lecturing Him again, and this time, I swear he was yelling right back at me and matching my frustration.
“Aren’t I enough? Do you have such little trust and faith in Me, that you can’t simply come and sit with me?”
But right away, I started to say it was just my imagination talking. And to be completely and 100% honest and open with you, for a split second, I started to question whether or not any of this was real- whether or not God himself was real. As soon as those ideas started popping up, I knew that was spiritual warfare. The enemy was trying to spot the communication I had been waiting for.
Then when I started to pray out loud, I swear I don’t even really remember starting. But I said “It breaks my heart when I speak and you don’t trust it and give credit to your imagination“, the crazy part is that I had just been thinking a few minutes earlier; God, it would be A LOT easier to hear you if I could hear you with my ears and not just my heart. And then I was thinking of the right words to basically tell him that I hated that whenever I thought I heard him, I had to doubt and say it was just my imagination.
So, after having my little tantrum for a few hours, here is what I got from it…
1. I need to stop, and trust that God hears me when I pray and has heard all of my prayers.
2. I need to have faith in God, and just sit with him. The relationship God wants to have with me is casual and open, and it takes two to sit and talk. One person can’t hold up two ends of the conversation.
3. He is enough. He is worthy of everything and is the creator of everything; how is he not enough?
4. Gods heart breaks when mine breaks, and when I have my weak moments.
5. God can get frustrated too. As much as we want to talk to him, he wants to talk to us and spend time with us even more. And it’s frustrating when we don’t want to spend quality time with him.
And this is just the beginning of week six.
Some prayer points I need some covering on are:
- Peace of mind
- No distractions when I go to spend quality time with God to just talk
- A Childlike faith and a open heart for this week of lectures
- Prayer for the next step after DTS! I have a small idea of what it’ll look like, but I would still love the prayer on it.